Look, this movie is titled Girls Gone Dead and the DVD advertises wrestling legend Jerry “The King” Lawler, porn legend Ron Jeremy, and Howard Stern Show writer/prank call Sal “The Stockbroker” Governale and frequent guest Beetlejuice. It is what it is. This isn’t going to be Schindler’s List. Of course, those four men appear in the film for a handful of minutes each since this story really focuses on six freshman girls (well, the oldest looking freshman girls I’ve ever seen) who are trying to have, like, the best spring break ever. Of course, during their merrymaking we see all of them topless except Becca (Katie Peterson), who was raised in a strict Christian household (you can assume the usual slasher movie rules about her survival chances). Meanwhile, in Daytona the latest Crazy Girls Unlimited (AKA Girls Gone Wild) video is being shot with Ron Jeremy, Sal the Stockbroker, and Beetlejuice hosting. These storylines are tenuously connected by a masked murder who wields a medieval weapon to murder Becca’s friends and the Crazy Girls Unlimited crew. Factor in a bunch of topless chicks, and you’ve got a cheesy slasher film that deserves its direct-to-video fate.
The only reason you’d watch this movie is if you are in high school, have a bunch of guys over, you’re eating pizza and drinking beer, and mom isn’t home to monitor your movie choice. Otherwise if you’re seeing this as a horror film you’ll be disappointed since it isn’t scary, and if you’re seeing this for the nudity you’ll be equally disappointed, since it doesn’t show anything that you wouldn’t be able to see by simply Googling “topless hot chicks” (be sure to turn Safe Search off!) As a result, probably the best reason to see this movie is Sal Governale’s obnoxiously dirty comments — but since he’s only in the movie for a few minutes, you’re better off looking for YouTube clips of his best moments from the Stern show.
Perhaps I was most surprised by the end of the film — it features perhaps the longest credit sequence I’ve ever seen (likely to pad the running time), and a dedication from co-director Michael A. Hoffman to his deceased grandfather. I’m not sure what type of guy Hoffman’s grandfather was, but I hope Girls Gone Dead would’ve been his kind of film.
Rating: Negative points for story, but since that isn’t the point I give them one for nudity (1/10).
EXTRAS: The DVD advertises “Over 90 Minutes of Bonus”, but there are two things to know about that:
1) Over half of those 90 minutes consist of music videos of bands your never heard of performing songs you never want to hear again
2) There is no additional nudity in any of the features.
So you end up with Deleted Scenes which are just a few more seconds of additional bad acting. Bloopers, which might be the most entertaining aspect of the disc because you get to watch Beetlejuice screw up his lines, and two interviews, one with Jerry Lawler and the other with Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain. You might wonder why McBrain is interviewed since he is in the film for approximately 30 seconds, but watching the bonus features makes it clear that the original karaoke scene he appeared in was completely re-shot without him. So McBrain’s interview features him talking about Maiden instead of the movie, which is far more interesting anyway.
As a result, you might as well pass on all the features.
DVD Rating: The features don’t add anything (1/10).
Girls Gone Dead is available on DVD on July 17