“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.” – Mark Twain’s forward to Huck Finn, but just as applicable to 2011’s Conan the Barbarian.
Conan the Barbarian will likely be slaughtered by mainstream critics who will likely find it ultra-violent and misogynistic, even those who will unfairly compare it to the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger version (though I will do that too). While the original is classic, it doesn’t really have much to do with the Conan created by Robert E. Howard or the popular image of Conan as illustrated in the long-running Marvel Comics (now Dark Horse Comics) series.
For those of you who don’t know, Conan is a sword and sorcery age barbarian who likes to fight, drink, have sex, and kill. That’s really the extent of the role, but star Jason Momoa has the necessary presence, build, and surprisingly, comedic timing to pull it off better than Schwarzenegger (who, while a great looking Conan, still had enough trouble with English in his early career that his Conan is essentially mute). Face it, this version isn’t meant to be an actor’s showcase either, as evidenced by Rachel Nichols‘ role as Conan’s “love” interest (I’m tempted to use another four-letter word there instead), which consists mostly of screaming. Not surprisingly, the best actor in the movie is Ron Perlman as Conan’s wise father, although he gets precious few moments of screen time. While neither Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) or Marique (Rose McGowan) are equal to James Earl Jones‘ Thulsa Doom in the original, the creepy combination of the father-daughter team provides sufficient balance to Conan’s bravery and nobility. Perhaps the only one who doesn’t really fit is Conan’s thief companion Ela-Shan played by Saïd Taghmaoui, who seems to have only been cast because he has a thick French accent and his character is cowardly. We get it, guys.
The latest take on the character won’t “wow” or impress non-fan audiences who are probably the same people who slagged Rise of the Planet of the Apes based solely on its pre-release marketing only to praise it upon release when it turned out to be one of the best films of 2011. But what Conan the Barbarian ends up being is perhaps the most satisfactory action-orientated action movie of 2011 so far. Yes, the plot is thin, so it’s difficult to recommend it to anyone who isn’t already part of the hardcore crowd who will love it for what it is already.
If you’re one of those people like me who loves the idea of what a Conan the Barbarian movie could offer, stop reading this and see it already because it’s mostly everything you want it to be. But it’s understandable if you need more convincing, because fantasy films can be a hard sell even after Return of the King won eleven Oscars. But Return of the King Conan isn’t — as expected, it’s the fantasy equivalent of a revenge mission action movie, except with more gore. In fact, the best way 
to tell if you’d enjoy Conan is whether or not you’d marvel at what I can only guess are realistic skull crushings, decapitations, and all-around disfigurement of all limbs. If so, you’ll enjoy Conan as much as I did. If not, see One Day instead.
That’s not to say that even if Conan is your type of movie it doesn’t have its flaws. The main flaw is the same issue that nearly every action movie of the last fifteen years has had — the action sequences are cut at such a rapid pace that you constantly wonder if you’ve missed something. While that in itself isn’t something that outright spoils the movie, the 3D viewing only makes the quick action even more muddled, so I suggest you go 2D on this one. Nonetheless, what’s fantastic about the action sequences is that not only do you not have to wait very long between them — the filmmakers know what you want to see and don’t waste too much time between showing what a barbarian does best — but you will definitely see brutal fight choreography that you’ve never seen before. That’s a rather impressive accomplishment after it seems we’ve already seen every possible way to disembowel someone on screen, but leave it to an old dog like Conan to bring new tricks to the table. Of course, praise must be given to the filmmakers and Lionsgate, which let the film be released in all of its blood-and-guts R-rated glory when far too many action films these days are unfortunately being cut to achieve PG-13 ratings and are worse films because of it (for the best example of this, check out the PG-13 and the Unrated cuts of Live Free or Die Hard. The latter is far superior). It’s a ballsy move since it will likely hurt the box office, but it’s the right move for the film’s atmosphere and source material.
In fact, it is because of these intense and intricate action sequences that Conan‘s biggest flaw is the ending. No spoilers here, but the epic climatic showdown isn’t everything you’d expect it to be and actually drags. The preceding action sequences set a high bar, so it seems like nobody involved with the film knew how to end it.
If you’re a fan of R-rated action movies you’ll enjoy Conan immensely, but it’s not great enough to convert your weak-stomach friends or impress your overanalytical hipster buddy who picks every aspect of a movie apart like it’s a Fellini film (and why are you still hanging out with that clown, anyway?) It’s a much needed breath of fresh R-rated action air in a summer that has so far been short on it. See it during the matinee showing and, if blood bothers you at all, definitely stay away from the snack bar.
Rating: Conan makes up for all the PG-13 action movies you wished were more gory. (7.5/10)
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