To get some stuff out of the way first, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (actual title) is the new action film directed by Russian filmmaker Timur Bekmombetov (Night Watch, Wanted) and produced by Tim Burton (needs no such modifier). The film presents the famous take of the American Civil War as if it had been fought, not between the mortals of the North and the slave masters of the South but between one man, Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker), and a horde of vampires set on building a nation of their own led by Adam (Rufus Sewell: Dark City).
You get all the reductive and repetitive stock characters you’d expect from an action flick: the mentor played by Dominick Cooper (The Devil’s Double), the best friend side kick played by Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker), the love interest played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead (The Thing), as well as the aforementioned hero and villain. But where the film departs is its devotion to being over the top. The film is a hurricane of barn smashing, vampire roaring, horse leaping, axe swinging, gun shooting special effects. Indeed, the film has had more work in post than Joan Rivers (Love you!) but none of that says anything about how the movie was. Now, as a rule, I normally don’t insert myself into my reviews by writing them in the first person, but this time, I can’t really talk about the film any other way. So, here goes…
When I tell people, “I saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter last night,” people look at me with excited eyes and ask, “How was it?!” This is where I sigh and respond, “It was silly.” Which makes them then ask, “But was it good?”
I’ve now had this conversation more than a dozen times and there is a lot that can be taken from it. Silly does not inherently mean good or bad. Silly is silly. It’s when they ask this second question that I get stuck, because I’m not sure what the answer really is, all I can explain is the conflict that leaves my shoulders in a permanent shrug.
From the title alone, the film presents itself like a personals ad that reads;
“I am silly, quirky, and fun. I like history and don’t take myself too seriously. Sometimes I can be a bit violent, but it’s in my nature and people tend to like me that way. I’m a little slick and trendy at times but I try to keep my heart in the right place. Some people accuse me of being too serious but I just want people to relax and have a good time. I might be bad for you, but like an Uber-Big Gulp at a concession stand, some people just can’t get enough, (hopefully Bloomberg won’t try to ban me too!) While I can’t promise at the end of the night you’ll like me or ever want to see me again, you certainly won’t forget me.”
So, how do you judge that? I’d say, you judge it on how satisfying the film is. And, like a blind date, maybe it’s because I want the film to be satisfying that my expectations set me up for failure. I don’t smile at the deaths, I don’t cheer at the punches, and I don’t clap for the axe chops. I just kinda endure it. I appreciate with Burton and Timur are trying to do here, but I’m not sure they succeed, BUT I’m not sure that they don’t.
Rating: Serious people killing scary vampires in silly ways (?/10)
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