Did you ever see the episode of South Park called “The China Problem” where George Lucas and Steven Spielberg rape Indiana Jones? All the boys were so pissed off and upset that they raped him multiple times in the Crystal Skull. That’s exactly how I felt after watching Katsuhito Ishii’s Smuggler. The director was doing such a great job, had everything going for him and then made two stupid decisions that resulted in the audience being bent over and, well, you get the point.
Struggling actor Kinuta (Satoshi Tsumabuki ) made the mistake of borrowing money from various sources to pursue his dream of making it big. Now in debt, he’s doing anything he can to get some pocket change. When he tries to win some money in a slot scheme, he F’s up and is forced to take out a loan to pay the gang for their slot losses. The company who gives him the loan says they’ll agree to forgive his debts if he works them off by moving cargo. In actuality, he has just become a smuggler with two other men and the cargo is actually dead bodies from various Yakuza hits. Kinuta has no choice but to take every job they dish him until the debt is paid off.
On one particular job, the threesome has to transport two killers named Vertebrae (Ando Masanobu) and Viscera (Ryushin Tei), they are a crazy hit team who work for the Chinese in a gang war against the Japanese. When Kinuta makes a stupid mistake, he must act as a stand-in for Vertebrae and take all the torture that’s dished his way, hoping that the real Vertebrae will show up and that he won’t die in such a horrible and gruesome way.
Smuggler goes from an average crime drama to one hell of a disturbing torture film once we hit the halfway mark. It’s been awhile since I have seen onscreen torture that crawled under my skin and rubbed me the wrong way. The crazy part is that it wasn’t that graphic or gory, just the ideas, the sounds and the premature visuals were enough to make you squirm around in your chair. Not only that, it was actually funny at times, mostly because of the torturers mannerisms and wacky attire which made me feel like a sadist. Ishii’s camera work and editing has to be commended for making the audience feel all of Kinuta’s excruciating pain.
Throughout the film we witness a few fights and they always involve Vertebrae. The coolest part of the film was probably its use of slow-mo during the aforementioned fights. During these sequences, the director decided to slow certain impacts down which allowed us to see how powerful the hit was and the effect it had on its receiver. To me, it felt like boxing replays where you not only see the force but somehow your body feels it to.
It’s also during these fights where we get that first feeling that someone is trying to sodomize us and practically ruin the entire film. Vertebrae is a unique specimen because for some reason he can’t be killed or injured. He is very strong and has this incredible ability to move extremely fast, like ten times as fast a human being, when either escaping or fighting. He’s the only person able to dodge bullets and does so while spider crawling 
around a room like the girl in The Exorcist. So first off, why does he have this power? Second off, could they not think of a better way to make him a difficult foe? Either way I felt offended as an audience member that they added such a fantastical element to a film that didn’t need it.
You think that’s bad, wait until I tell you how they come back to cheat us again. Kinuta gets tortured, it’s no secret, but when it’s all over he is able to walk around without pain merely hours later. Now maybe this happens because he goes into hardcore actor mode and fully channels Vertebrae’s powers, which is probably what they were going for, but could it actually happen, the answer is no. The guy had long burning hot metal rods shoved between his toes and then more metal rods spiked into his thighs, and that’s just the tip of it. Now tell me, either he literally became the super being that is Vertebrae or Katsuhito Ishii just has no idea how the human body functions.
I can’t decide what to rate this film. On one hand, Smuggler is an average film with a decent story and very painful torture scenes but on the other hand you have two characters who completely ruin their credibility, one early on and one right at the end making everything that happens in between pointless and unfair. Even with the positives in mind, I left Smuggler extremely pissed off and can’t seem to shake those painful thoughts from my brain. If you see the film I have a good feeling you’ll agree.
Rating: A painful movie to experience but it’s the raping of the characters that’ll leave you feeling angry and cheated (4/10)
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