Like many of these VOD and straight to DVD titles that involve giant creatures attacking people on beaches, you can expect them to be funny, in a terrible sort of way while also having some sort of added entertainment value. Too bad that’s not the case with Brett Kelly’s wannabe Jaws meets Jurassic Park Megalodon feature, Attack of the Jurassic Shark (aka Jurassic Shark).
After a research group illegally drills too deep into the earth’s surface, they unknowingly release a full size Megalodon into a quiet lake that will soon cause chaos for those who dare come near the water. Soon after the beast is released we are introduced to a group of criminals who just finished an art heist and take to the isolated island with their painting to let the heat cool, only they are attacked and their painting falls into the water. Later that same day, four college students, three of them bikini clad ladies, go and visit the island in hopes of exposing illegal scientific activity but, like the thieves, they are attacked by the 50-60 foot Shark and stranded on the island. With the behemoth creature lurking in the water and the valuable painting lying on the seafloor, the evil thieves threaten the lives of the college kids if they don’t help them get the painting back. As you can imagine, shark attacks and other C-rated shenanigans occur.
Now, when I say this movie is one of the worst pieces of cinema that my eyes had the misfortune of viewing, I truly mean it. I know this is a really low budget film and believe me, I went in with low expectations, but every time somebody spoke it felt like someone threw a grenade next to my ear and then proceeded to stab it with a knife causing irreparable damage. This is unfortunate because I love terrible horror movies, I think they’re hilarious and while this one had a few of those moments, it couldn’t live up to its potential. If you’re thinking about seeing this film here is what you’re in for: average girls in bikinis, terrible prop work, awful CG (for the most part), pathetic death sequences, a flying shark and a really long, dialogue-free walking montage.
I’m not going to bother explaining the unrealistic nature or terribly executed shark attacks or how a 60 foot shark can remain underwater when it’s near the coast line because it’s just futile and well, frustrating for someone who loves shark movies. I’ll probably have to kill a baby panda if I try to explain it to you, and nobody wants that.
So I’m going to break my rule and spoil part of the ending since there isn’t much else to s
ay about this movie. There is a scene where there are three people left on the island and are all near the water after a few people were killed and, in true “this movie is already so bad how can we salvage any of it” fashion, director Brett Kelly and screenwriter David A. Lloyd decided to have the shark jump out of the water, fly across the land, chomp a bitch in half, turn around and then land back in the water like it was no big deal. While hilarious to watch, they clearly just said fuck it, let’s ignore the laws of physics, the fact that Sharks can’t fly (for that long) and end this baby on a high note. Yeah, that happened.
If you want this movie in a nutshell and to see most of the shark footage that you’ll get throughout the film, just watch this gloriously terrible trailer, it perfectly sets the stage for the film and what you can expect if you actually had 80 minutes of your life that you truly wanted to waste . The only thing that could make this movie even remotely interesting is if you turned it into a drinking game and drank every time someone acted poorly. This would allow you the opportunity to get pissed, black out and forget that you even watched the film.
Rating: C-rated trash that should have paid its distributor to be released and its future audience to watch (0.5/10)
Attack of the Jurassic Shark is now available on VOD from Phase 4 Films
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