Don’t Go in the Woods is about a young band who head out to the woods for a weekend escape so that they can focus on their song writing and get the big break that they’ve been hoping for. The rules for the weekend, set by the determined lead singer, are simple: no girls, no drugs, no booze. Obviously all the rules are broken as the band’s ladies surprise them that very night. Unbeknownst to the band, there is a sledgehammer wielding killer in the woods who is ready to take out the musical invaders one by one. I guess you could call this Glee with some blood.
The film marks the directorial debut of Vincent D’Onofrio, a man some of you may know as Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. Unfortunately for Mr. D’Onofrio, his debut feature was a complete failure, though the trailer could have really told you that. Part of my displeasure is my fault as I didn’t realize that this would be a straight-up musical (the trailer didn’t give me that impression) but still, when you sit down to watch a horror flick you expect horrible things to happen rather than people breaking out into song every two minutes.
Don’t Go in the Woods feels like an 83 minute long emo music video, so if you can’t stand people complaining about life via song, then I highly suggest plugging your ears every time someone opens their mouth in an overly exaggerated way (just watch the trailer for a clear example). Hell, even the people who aren’t in the band get vocal screen time and it takes away from the usual suspenseful moments that lead up to a kill or fake out. It was this inappropriate balance of music and horror that caused a majority of the film’s issues and with the film heavily skewing toward the musical side it’s no wonder why, as a horror fan, I’m upset.
This sort of leads me to my next point. Another major problem I had with the film is that when you set up said “horror” film to include people hunting other people you would expect to see some action when you’re about 40% into the film, right? Not in this case. It takes 64 minutes for any legitimate action to occur and then when you think all mayhem is about to unfold in rapid succession, D’Onofrio hits the brake and kills all your excitement. It was so frustrating! And 
then, if that wasn’t enough, when they showed the killer running around, he would move very slow compared to the other people yet would somehow pop up out of nowhere, as if he had the speed of a cheetah, when the camera turned its focus to his fleeing victims.
While I clearly am pissed off with the film I have to give it credit for a few things. The actors did a great job of lip syncing and making me believe that they were doing everything on their own (though I think they did actually play their instruments). Additionally, 65% of the music was actually really good and tolerable. It is very, very indie so for those who enjoy that kind of music, you will find solace in D’Onofrio’s soundtrack. Lastly, when there was gore and bodies were being decapitated I was thoroughly impressed with the make-up and practical effects, it was well done for a low budget flick and also extremely disturbing at times.
As much as I was pulling for Vincent D’Onofrio’s first feature to succeed, this one just failed on too many elementary levels for me to overlook and enjoy. It lacks any sort of tension or suspense to make it worth your while, even with the really short running time. Overall, if you’re a horror fan you shouldn’t waste your time watching Don’t Go in the Woods but if you are an indie music lover then skip everything, including the trailer, and check out the soundtrack.
Rating: A clear example of how not to mash-up film genres (2/10)
Don’t Go In the Woods stars Bo Boddie, Eric Bogosian, Gwynn Galitzer, Jorgen Jorgensen, Tim Lajcik, Soomin Lee, Kate O’Malley, Matt Sbeglia, Casey Smith, Nick Thorp, and Cassandra Walker. It is being released by Tribeca Films in NY on January 13th and will expand to other markets in early February. It is currently available on VOD.
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