The title pretty much says it all. Let me premise this review by saying that Nude Nuns with Big Guns isn’t your typical movie so don’t expect this to be your typical, clean review. With that being said hit the jump and brace yourself for pure shoot ‘em up naked nun insanity.
This nunsploitation flick starts off with a group of nuns waiting on a bus as their priest makes a drug transaction in the middle of the desert. Something goes wrong with the deal, a nun has stolen a bag of coke and so Chavo (David Castro), a Mexican gang leader on the receiving end of the deal, goes onto the bus and proceeds to kill the nuns until it is found. Only one nun survives, Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) in which time Chavo does the obvious, drugs her up and sells her body for sex.
Eventually, with the help of a witch doctor she escapes the whore house known as “The Titty Flicker” and makes a full recovery. From there she is given two massive pistols and vows to do God’s work, end the life of all the sinners in town by seeking retribution for all the wrong doings that have occurred. A pretty standard plot if you ask me.
Now that you understand where the” big guns” part of the title comes from you are probably wondering to yourself, how about them nude nuns? Well I can tell you this, 99% of the women in this movie are full blown naked at some point or another but whether or not they are attractive is up for debate. Our lead nun, Sister Sarah, is naked just about every other time she is on screen, the other nuns are naked when they are cutting and sifting through the cocaine they produce and the non-holy women of the town are either topless in a strip club or having sex at The Titty Flicker. To top that off, there are about three or four lesbian scenes that seem to be there just for kicks in hopes of getting you to watch this disaster of a movie. And again, it’s pretty much all full frontal nudity. Now you hopefully understand the “nude nuns” part.
As for the quality of the movie, it actually does suck, but when I was watching it I ended up loving it, for all the wrong reasons of course. You have to go into this movie expecting it to be horrible and then laugh at how ridiculously bad it is, which is probably why my friend and I enjoyed the crap out of it. The acting was terrible, almost Troll 2 bad, but it had so many moments where you just wanted to take the video clip of the actress and replay it to as many scenarios as possible, like when the lead in Skyline yelled “NOOO!” when the helicopter crashed and youtubers made parodies of it.
I’m sure you can guess how wonderful the story is so I’m going to move on to the best parts about this movie. I absolutely loved the use of slow motion particularly because it was used at the most random times and without any logic behind it. For example, slow motion was used when a bad guy would open a door, makes sense? No. It was also used when Chavo hit a lamp with a baseball bat instead of when he would hit a person. Again, it doesn’t make sense but it made the movie so much more fun to watch.
In all honesty, and please don’t think I condone this in anyway, my favorite parts of the movie had to be when this big bad black guy nicknamed “kickstand” (Xango Henry) would be asked to rape women in order to get answers from them. I know it sounds horrible but when you see what I mean you will understand. One scene, where it was for pure sexual enjoyment, the actress who was getting “raped” was so bad at faking it that when they showed her face I laughed out loud, and then *spoiler?* she literally died while the guy was doing her? There was no logic behind it whatsoever *end spoiler.* The best part about Kickstand was his quote when he was about to go to town on a nun who took a vow of silence but witnessed two murders and still wouldn’t speak. Are Brace yourself. “I’M GOING TO NAIL YOU HARDER THAN JESUS TO THE CROSS!” Imagine that coming from the guy on the left in the picture below and then saying it to a silent old nun. Yup, it happened.
Lastly, the fight scenes in this movie were nothing special since Sister Sarah pretty much kills everyone she encounters in one shot. She had the best shot I’ve ever seen anyone have in a movie, I don’t think she missed once after killing about 30 people, which is quite impressive for a nun that’s never shot a gun before.
From a filmmaker’s perspective, Nude Nuns with Big Guns absolutely sucks but when you watch it with an open, and possibly sick mind it is a giant barrel of fun. It is the latter that I hope director Joseph Guzman was aiming for which is why it makes it a tad difficult to bash both him and his film. This movie is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea but if you enjoyed Death Proof, Planet Terror, or Machete then there may be a slight chance that you may enjoy this terrible borderline porno.
Rating: A funny yet crappy low budget film full of big guns and lesbianic nude nuns
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