When I was a much younger Movie Buzzer, I once asked my father to take me to the movies so I could see a movie with my friends. I couldn’t tell you what movie it was now, and if I did remember I probably wouldn’t say because of the reason why my father said “No.”
“Why Dad?” I asked, ready to give him a large dose of teenage attitude.
“Because it looks like a terrible movie, and I don’t want you to waste your money on that garbage,” he answered.
I angrily stayed home that day and watched Bridge on the River Kwai with my dad instead. All I can say is THANKS DAD. Not only did he expose me to a classic, memorable film, but he saved me from seeing a bad, forgettable one. My anger quickly turned to appreciation.
I brought up that story because if you’re a fan of great cinema, you’ve undoubtedly heard of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Not because they’ve ever made any particularly good movies — in fact, they haven’t — but because they’re the ones who have turned a once-humorous and once-entertaining genre trailblazed by Abbot and Costello, Mel Brooks, and the Zucker Brothers, the spoof film, into an excrement factory. After co-writing the actually funny Scary Movie back in 2000, Friedberg and Seltzer have subjected moviegoers to Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck, and soon, The Biggest Movie of All Time In 3-D. You’ve heard of them and seen their cringeworthy trailers. Maybe you even saw one of their movies — perhaps by accident — and soon realized your mistake. If you haven’t, you’re in luck, and I won’t link you to YouTube clips in order to keep you a Friedberg and Seltzer virgin. Trust me, it’s for the best. That’s one type of virginity that everybody should keep.
A lot of people have called Friedberg and Seltzer morons based on their films. I don’t think they are. After all, they’ve hit upon a formula in which they can toss in various non sequitur pop culture “jokes” together, throw in some worse jokes about current popular movies, and serve it to people who will PAY MONEY to view this garbage. No, Friedberg and Seltzer are no morons. I am sure they’re aware of how painfully unfunny they truly are. But they’re laughing all the way to the bank while moviegoers without taste — mostly teenagers — wander into theaters to subject themselves to whatever is their latest “movie.” They’ve figured out how to sell a movie as a comedy with nothing that anyone with an intelligent sense of humor will ever find funny in the slightest. Though I hate to say it, it is almost genius: selling people a product that is completely devoid of what the consumers are actually looking for. They’re charlatans, promising something they cannot deliver, much like the creepy dudes at the local flea market who insist their bootleg products are 100% genuine, since they’re long gone by the time the merchandise breaks and you want your money back.
Considering 2008’s Disaster Movie made less than half at the worldwide box office as 2008’s Meet The Spartans (yes, they released TWO films that year), I thought we’d come to an end to Friedberg and Seltzer’s poor excuse for spoofs. But leave it to Twilight fans to ruin it: after taking off 2009 — which by default makes it one of the best years in cinema history — Friedberg and Seltzer bounced back with Vampires Suck, which approached the duo’s average $80 million worldwide box office gross per film. Hence we will now get The Biggest Movie of All Time In 3-D, which, as you can tell by the poster below, is an Avatar spoof.
Now I enjoyed Avatar — it was a visual masterpiece, though the story was completely derivative — but Avatar doesn’t deserve this because NO film deserves to be spoofed by these guys. And the fact that this will be in 3D? This means the duo doesn’t even have to sell as many tickets as usual to pull in impressive grosses. Ugh.
There’s only one way to stop the Friedberg and Seltzer collaborations: people need to stop seeing them. But what I’m saying here is of course preaching to the choir — our Movie Buzzers readers are far too intelligent to see this crap. But that doesn’t mean you can’t help. No doubt you have younger siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, children — minors that are influenced by you or under your guidance. When this movie is finally subjected on our nation, do whatever you can in your power to stop those youngsters that you care about from seeing this film. If that means bribery, take out your wallet. If that means locking them in a closet for the duration that this is theaters, well, you may have to. Okay, I’m only kidding about that one. Actually… no I’m not. Just don’t forget to feed them.
Actually my best advice to share your love of great cinema with him or her is by taking them to see an actually good movie. Too often I know parents just drop their kids off at the movie theater, hand them $20, and tell them to amuse themselves for two hours. Now most people are always in the mood for comedy, but unfortunately for teenagers, almost every good comedy that comes out these days is rated R. How unfortunate — they’re growing up in a era in which all the best comedies are R rated, so naturally, if they want to laugh, they have to go see whatever is playing until they turn 17 (or until at least they figure out how to sneak around a theater). And that’s exactly how Friedberg and Seltzer get your kids’ money, or, if you gave them the cash, YOUR money. Stop feeding the crap machine! If you can’t take your kids to see a better movie while this is in theaters, drop them off at the arcade or the mini-golf course instead. Anything to keep them away from this.
This also extends to our readers in other countries, in fact, you’re even more important than my domestic readers because, for some inexplicable reason, every Friedberg and Seltzer movie since Epic Movie has made more money from the foreign box office than from the United States box office (thanks Box Office Mojo for the figures!) This is extremely troubling, considering how wonderful foreign cinema has been over the last two decades. So please spread this message across seas and borders until everyone understands how they can help.
As a published writer myself I could never support censorship, so I truly believe that Friedberg and Seltzer have every right to release their “work.” But that doesn’t mean people, even unsophisticated teenagers who are mesmerized by crap like Jersey Shore, should actually go and see it. I don’t blame them — they don’t really know better. So it’s up to us as role models of the youth of America to stop them from making bad decisions. Much like parents must talk to their kids about drugs, alcohol, and sex, parents and guardians must talk to their children about the dangers of Friedberg and Seltzer.
Please my fellow moviegoers — YOU can help stop these movies. If we all pitch in just a little, it can be done.
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