Children of the Corn: Genesis, yes there is another one, might have just done the unthinkable. It might have unseated Frozen as the worst movie I have ever seen. It has all the stereotypical elements of a horror film: crazy back story that attempts to explain the killers, broken down car that causes the characters to seek help from the first house they come across; which of course is owned by some very odd characters. Upon second thought, Frozen still retains the title as worst movie ever seen simply because they try to play off the stereotypical events in the movie as if they were all possible. Children of the Corn: Genesis just throws it all out there not really expecting you to believe anything in the movie is actually possible.
This movie bears some of its title from the famous Stephen King story, and several movies before it. That’s about where the similarities end. For anyone who hasn’t read the story (if you haven’t, you should) or seen any of the previous movies (just read the story) the premise is that the children of a small rural town kill all of the adults in an offering to a god that lives in the cornfield; hence the name, children of the corn. The most homage this movie pays to that story is in the first few minutes of the movie. I’m not joking about 4 minutes of the entire movie is the “connection” to the story and previous movies it’s supposedly based off of.
Anyway, after the short intro scene the movie jumps forward into the current day. Allie (Kelen Coleman) and Tim (Tim Rock) are on the side of the road in the middle of the desert. I don’t understand how you are supposed to grow corn in the desert, but hey I’m not a farmer so what do I know. Tim and Allie are on the side of the road because their car broke down and they have no way of calling anyone because they apparently have no cell phones. Who doesn’t have a cell phone these days? At least give them cell phones that don’t get any service or are dead, come on! Well their plan is to hitch hike, however, in order to hitch hike you need a car to pass by which doesn’t happen. Allie, who is pregnant (but doesn’t look pregnant, she must be like a week in or something) starts to complain. Tim, like any normal man caught in 100 degree weather without a cell phone with a pregnant woman bitching at him to fix the problem, looks towards the sky for some godly help. Instead he notices phone lines hanging on poles next to the road, I half expected the cast from Frozen to be hanging up there waiting to be saved. Hey, if there’s anything I learned from that movie its that anything can happen.
Back to Children of the Corn: Genesis. Tim and Allie decide to follow the phone lines and end up coming across a run down house. Queue in creepy owners, Preacher (Billy Drago,The Untouchables) and Helen (Barbara Nedeljakova, Hostel). You might be thinking wait Brandon, you forgot to put Preacher’s name, no ladies and gentlemen he is simply called Preacher. The next thing you’ll notice is that Helen has a strong Eastern European accent. That is the start of the ensuing confusion. After much back and forth between the two parties, Preacher and Helen reluctantly decide to let Tim and Allie use their phone to call for help. Tim and Allie are pretty cheap because they decide to wait for a delivery man to come in the morning rather than pay someone $900 to come get them and their car. Yes, $900 seems steep to me to but had Tim paid for AAA he wouldn’t have had to pay anything. So the lesson here it seems is to always make sure you have AAA, especially if you are cheap. Furthermore, it will also save you from having to spend the night in a creepy house with even creepier people.
Since the rest of the movie’s plot is fairly predictable and although I don’t expect many of you to see this movie I’m not one to spoil plots. Instead I want to simply touch or highlight rather some parts of the movie I found to be quite fantastic in the most sarcastic sense possible. Firstly, Preacher and Helen has one phone in their home and it is a rotary phone; however, they have a 60 inch flat screen TV with what I would guess to be about $200-$300 worth of camera equipment hooked up to it. Secondly, at some point a child of the corn walks into the house and leaves a bloody hand print on the door. The explanation for the bloods origin is that there is a lot of broken glass outside the house. I guess they are inferring the kid walks around on his hands 24/7 likes he’s training for the circus or something. The third and final piece I would like to touch on is the end of the movie. That’s all I’m going to say but when you watch it after reading this review you’ll know exactly what I mean.
Rating: If you find yourself bored, have already exhausted all other options for movies to watch and want to see if my review holds true I recommend you watch this movie. Otherwise not so much. (2/10)