For this very Christmassy feature, we’re doing a whole host of films that we haven’t seen and very cleverly titling it “Haven’t Seen It.” SO, to start strong I picked a film that I really should have seen by now, me being such a Christmas freak and all. All the way back from 2004 (that caveman era) a supposed animated Christmas heart-warmer.
The film? “The Polar Express”. Seriously, I HAVEN’T SEEN IT.
(see what I did there?)
I don’t know much about the film and going along with the rules of the game, I’ve got to go in with whatever knowledge I currently have, no sneak peaks, no trailer watching, no quick Google, just with what I know. I know this: Tom Hanks is in it, and he does something like 8 of the characters? Including the Locomotive.
“They’re not paying me anywhere near enough money for this”.
The Polar Express is the name of the locomotive in the film. It is not the same as The Hogwarts Express in Harry Potter.
Look at the measly size of that train. A Polar Express is 3 times the size of a human child. At least!
The film starts and Tom Hanks is playing a little boy. He has a real chip on his shoulder. He never smiles.
“I don’t smile. Smiling’s for losers”.
Is Tom Hanks playing the little girl too? PLOT TWIST! Hanks is a goddamn chameleon. So far I’m convinced Tom Hanks is playing EVERYONE
“Like I said, not NEARLY enough”.
Moustache Hanks is here now. He’s legit kidnapping a bunch of kids from their homes on Christmas Eve
“Here now, jump on this giant train with all of the other kids in their pajamas. Everything is perfectly fine”.
Little Tom Hanks just jumped onto the train. He’s leaving his Michael Keaton Snowman behind. Keaton can’t believe it
“Where the fuck are you going, bro?.”
This Poindexter kid is really grinding my gears. When Moustache Hanks eventually kills them all, I want him to suffer the most.
Moustache Hanks is about to throw the little girl off a train because little Tom Hanks lost her ticket. Playing by prison rules now.
Tom Hanks who could possible be Tom Waits just casually sitting by a fire on top of the train
Little Tom Hanks tried to save the girl, but now he’s just wasted with Tom Hanks’ take on Tom Waits on top of the train. This night will be his downfall
He’s so drunk he’s trying to drown himself in snow. This is upsetting.
He’s found the girl and now she’s the Captain of the train. This ALWAYS happens to Hanks.
“Look at me. Look at me. I’m the Captain now”.
Moustache Hanks just doing his best teen wolf impression on top of the train.
It’s a Christmas love triangle. Moustache Hanks will have something to say about this.
Moustache Hanks is sad he doesn’t have hair anymore.
“When I started this goddamn job I had the most luscious locks you could ever imagine”.
The love triangle have run away to get up to no good. They’ve stolen a train and now they seem to be in some sort of water dungeon.
Stand Be Me 2: Stand By Me…Again
“Hey guys, where’s that fat kid who grew up to be in Sliders?”.
They’ve got CCTV in all the kids rooms. Where’s Edward Snowden to blow the lid on this operation when you need him
“There’s only one man who can save us now…”
“I think we should follows those arrows”
Must be the top of your class, kid.
They’ve just got back to the City (?) centre. There’s a celebration. It’s massive. And also looks a little satanic. Elves in chains and everything.
This Father Christmas guy is a right ego maniac. A proper dictator. The UN should do something about him
“Here’s a bell for Christmas, young man.”
“Gee, thanks. You cheap bastard.”
They’ve all graduated from Elf College!
They’re getting back on the train now, I hope we don’t get the entire journey again but in reverse. I don’t think I could handle it.
“We’ve just spent more than half the movie on this fucking train. Can we not, please?”
Oh no, the moody little Tom Hanks has lost the bell. LITERALLY minutes after it was given to him.
“There’s a hole in my dressing gown and now I can put my fingers through it like this.”
Look what just magically showed up on Christmas morning!
“Ugh, how’d that bell get back. I though I managed to get rid of it.”
In a sweet Christmassy nutshell the film goes as follows [in a Tom Hanks voice over] “When I was young I didn’t believe in Father Christmas/Santa, then I went on this train ride and got to the north pole and saw Father Christmas/Santa so I believed again. The end. Oh, and I got this bell. People who didn’t believe couldn’t hear it, but I still believe so I can still here it, it doesn’t do anything, it just jingles a little, so really it’s kind of like ‘What’s the point?’. THE end”
I can’t say the film made me ‘believe’. Not like Miracle on 34th Street. I like Hanks challenging himself to play different genders, that was impressive. And who doesn’t like elf slaughter for Christmas?
Santa With Muscles, anyone?
All images credited to Warner Bros.