A few days ago I watched The Polar Express for the first time. You can see how it went here
I then realised there was a slew of many more Christmas ‘classics’ I just hadn’t got round to, so I’ve decided to cross another off my list, Santa With Muscles:
Going into the film I had zero idea what it was about, aside from the fact The Hulkster becomes Santa Claus or something…
I couldn”t help but wonder if perhaps it was going to be like Jingle All The Way. Perhaps I’d unearth another Christmas classic? I definitely did not.
The film didn’t even mention Turbo Man! What the hell?
The film starts with a horror house and a little girl writing to Santa about an evil millionaire who is trying to take over the entire town of Lakeside, or something. Apparently the authorities have NO idea, but this little girl does. Also, she can’t act very well, I soon found out this was a running theme throughout the film
Cue to Hulk Hogan doing some random army shtick. He’s a millionaire too. Two millionaires in the same film. Hulk decides to go out for a joy ride with some buddies but the police chase him and he ends up in Laketown. He grew up there and there are LITERALLY millions of places to hide
Hogan doing his best ‘Gee whiz, Mr’ face
It’s important to note at this point I realised something I had forgot, Hulk Hogan really cannot act
We meet the film’s villain, Mr Frost – cute. He has a team of goofy, loony scientists. Apparently millionaires can’t afford muscle to do their dirty work in Lakeside
In Lakeside, Hogan’s disguises himself as Santa, but you’ve got to wake up pretty early to pull one over on Lakeside’s finest. They aren’t however very good at Hide and Seek
“Hmm, I wonder where he could be?”
Hulky gets knocked out and when he comes too he think he’s Santa because of the outfit. He does some Santa stuff and then gets in a fight with two crooks. Apparently they thought it was a good idea to fight against someone twice their size. The people of Lakeside are not the brightest it seems
If this was 2015 this would definitely go viral. “Watch out he’s got a candy cane” Line of the film so far.
Mr Frost has every building he needs in town other than the orphanage. Time to torture some little kids, because Christmas. Those quirky scientists turn up an they legit try and murder one of the adults. Luckily for them Hogan has showed up to save the day, for now
“Why the hell am I in this film, it’s so terrible”
Nothing much happens for a while. We learn the kids in the orphanage are the rubbish kids nobody wants. Hogan loves to drink his milk and he gets a brand new suit fit for the title. These nutty scientists are back and now they want to fight Hogan. He literally stopped a van with his bare hands and now they want to fight him
“I bullied geeks like you for Breakfast back in High School, brother”
We find out Mr Frost is after a vault under the Orphanage and these guys knew it was there the whole time and never thought to open it. Go figure. Hogan mysteriously knows how to get in and it just looks like some cheap fortress of solitude. And guess what? The bloody geek is back and he want to fight Hogan, AGAIN. Are you kidding me right now?!
Surprisingly Hogan beats him, again, but then fuck me. Hogan falls off the fucking roof and knocks himself out again
This film has so many plot-holes. But Christmas!
With Hogan out the picture, Frost is free to move in with his cronies and NOW they have some muscle. Where the hell have these guys been the whole time,? What did they get lost on the way? Hogan wakes up back in his mansion thinking it was all a dream, but it wasn’t, he was just magically taken back because CHRISTMAS.
“I had a dream I was in an awful film where I was Santa” *looks down* “…shit”
It looks like Mr Frost is going to use the kids for slave labour. At least they have a purpose now. Hogan, with his memory and a brand new personality to boot can’t stand by and let it happen. He’s going back to Lakeside, guys. HE’S GOING BACK TO LAKESIDE. And he’s got a team now too
Hogan’s like a bat out of hell to Lakeside but he’s caught the attention of the sharp police force again. And a chase ensues, apparently involving the ENTIRE police force. This is where the budget went for the film
“Millionaire maniac can destroy a town, cool, but SPEEDING?! I don’t think so, Mr”
Hogan and #squad dodge the bazooka and make it to the Orphanage. In reality his entourage don’t do much at all as Hogan pretty much single-handedly takes out the bad guys. Oh, and the kids lock the little geek in a freezer. At least Hogan didn’t have to deal with him again! Plot twist though, Hogan and Mr Frost both grew up at the Orphanage and were best friends, but they had BOTH manage to mentally block it out
Santa With Muslces throwing in their very own “I am your father” moment. And of course there’s sword fight in there.
After the Star Wars-esque sword fight, turns out the place is going to blow – by the way great job Adults, letting kids live above what is essentially a nuclear reactor – so they have to scarper. The police and the news team all just happen to turn up and the news interview the cops on how they managed to finally apprehend Mr Frost and his gang. Wait, what?!!
“Tell us how you finally apprehended Frost and his gang.” So you KNEW. Everyone knew he was mad and dangerous and a criminal and nobody did anything the whole time. DONE